Master Career Counselor

Where is your identity?

Has your job title stolen it from you.

The reality of work can be brutal when one loses a job especially when it is completely unexpected. The pink slip for a teacher or the trip to the Human Resources office for the shocked professional who gave everything to the company only to find a hollow sense of worth and value. Emotional rage, sustained bouts of anger and depression are hallmark indicators of a person who lost even their soul in exchange for a job title and description of daily responsibilities.
What if your job isn't there tomorrow? What if you lost it yesterday? Does that loss define who you are?
It is a complex issue with no easy answer to what the balance is or how far you go in a career that defines you.

Don't get me wrong. I am all about putting in a full day's work and loving what you do. But can there be a point where a person merges their sense of self too far into an office at work? Life is always lives on a continuum that must be refined and measured over time. The older we get, the more we realize success is not measured by a bank statement. Actually, we can have a lot of money, kudos and accomplishments and still be bankrupt and utterly lost.

If your sense of value and worth better known as an identity is found ONLY in the work you do, you're missing the essence of life. The roles only you can fill are the key factors to a life well lived. Only you can fill a certain role such as sibling, parent, community activist, neighbor, friend, spouse, etc. that no one else can fill as only you do. A job title is replaceable and work can steal it. A relationship can be lost by neglect. Life's greatest meaning is found not solely in your work, but in who you spend your time with learning, loving and developing each day. Identity is validated in relationship to others as they reflect the qualities you possess or even greater, provoke you to reach a deeper level of knowledge and wisdom.

Your reflection will always be seen in a mirror as you walk by and glance at it. Your identity is captured in the roles you fill in relation to others. Remember who you are is found in what and who you love. No one can steal that from you.

As we have been focusing on the importance of networking and how to do it, we come to the most difficult question of all: Who do I dance with?

Networking is after all, closely related to dancing. It takes timing, effort, focus and most of all another person to join in.

With this process comes true diligence and even tenacity. People are busy, full of demanding schedules with barely enough time to breathe. How does on find the right persons to network with and develop an intimacy that connects one human to another?

First, if you want to network, you have to know how to listen. Listening is not thinking about what you are going to say when another is talking. Listening is attentive posturing and intentional caring about what others are saying. It involves energy that is never ever wasted.

So, have you practiced listening? The best way to do this is to give feedback to others when they share with you. Let them know what you are hearing and if you are accurate. Clarifying is the key to listening.

Second, increase your awareness to the body language you are disclosing. At least eighty-five per cent of communication is without a single word. We say a lot when we say nothing but our body language betrays us.

Finally, give people a chance. They are worth your effort to develop nurture and care for. This is the secret to longer life, healthier bodies and more satisfying careers. When we network, when we connect and when we listen, we are tuly living life and not merely existing.

Networking is like the composition of a beautiful melody. You can feel the underpinning of the beat and rhythm being played to perfection. If one note is out of place or one instrument playing when it should be silent, a tension is created with an awareness that something or someone is misplaced. It is an incongruency called dissonance.

Networking dissonance or a lack of right timing causes a serious misperception. When timing is off this is what happens:

1. An eager jobseeker really wants to work as an administrative assistant. She calls back to check on the status of the job daily. Eagerness is perceived as annoying.

2. A successful professional recently laid off starts to attend monthly meetings of a young professional association even though he completely dismissed it while employed. No one takes the time to introduce himself or herself to the professional and he leaves disgruntled and isolated with feelings of resentment of time wasted and a growing dread of trying to find work.

3. A worker recently down-sized starts to connect with every imaginable friend, associate or colleague he has ever known. He gets the word out that he has been let go from his company but is terribly disappointed that no one responds to him except his retired neighbor who wished him luck.

All of these examples rest on the vitality of effective networking not being utilized due to poor timing.

Let's go back and look at these three examples if networking timing happened to be in perfect correlation with the contextual scenarios.

1. The eager job seeker follows up concurrent to the same degree follow up is neccesary in the position she is seeking. A car salesman position would demand a daily follow up to show persistence. What about a professional position? Once every 5 to 7 business days at most. Perception: Engaged, persistent but not a pestering presence. Timing is critical.

2. Timing in this scenario is simple. Be active and intentional in networking long before you need it to work for you. The time given is the response you will likely receive.

3. People are busy, schedules are full and an emergency on your part is not likely to receive triage from everyone else. Unless, you have been in an emergency mode for them. We reap what we sow. How did you respond when your neighbor lost his job five years ago? Did you return his calls? Did you introduce him to potential job leads?

Timing is everything when desiring to network because every moment counts. If you're not connected to a community of neighbors, colleagues and friendships, take the first step. Make the initial contact and overcome your fear. Otherwise, your fear will someday overcome you. When you do it right, beautiful music is your reward.

Having synchronicity while networking is akin to pushing the pedal to the metal at a green light and slamming the break when it turns red. There are rules of networking that make synchronicity with others possible so no one gets hurt.

Here they are for you to consider:

Be nice and respectful. This may seem to be obvious but it isn't a done deal. People for the most part have forgotten to be respectful and courteous. Without these two essential skills, networking will never evolve into a productive use of your time or anyone else's.


Be genuine and get rid of the fake. This is critically important to simply be yourself and not someone who can't be real. People know the difference and no one wants to connect to a wax figure. You know the one who has life-like features but isn't natural.

Focus more of your energy and attention on others. You can't be in synchronicity with anyone unless you take your eyes of yourself. Stop thinking about what you can take and start thinking about what you have to give.

The irony? People warm up to someone who wants to focus on mutual trust, kindness and rapport. When you show respect, you form the underpinning for solid synchronicity. As I always pound into the brains of my children:

"This world isn't all about you. Until respect is the axis of your actions, you're not going to go anywhere. With it, the world rotates upon your respect and rewards you with what you have given."

With these simple basic reminders, the synchronicity of kindness gives you the green light to proceed to the next important component of networking: timing. It is the sister of synchronicity.

Our definition for networking must be the frame for this post:

It is the ability to become a small yet important part of a larger interconnected system of people from across one's community, industry or professional sphere to be a resource for others and access resources from others when needed based on mutual benefit and agreement.

In essence networking is a dance. It involves three important components:

1. Synchronicity
2. Timing
3. Intimacy

Without each of these three actions properly functioning at once, adjectives begin to emerge:

Networking is so awkward!
It is so uncomfortable.
It makes me feel so clumsy and ill at ease.

Imagine for a moment, the world of work is very much like the ancient rite of proper passage: attending and participating in a coutillion. First, you must RSVP properly. Next, you dress up for the occasion. Finally, you attend only to dance with partners you don't know. When my daughter attended this event in her eighth grade year, I picked her up a little early (on purpose). I walked in to a ballroom crowded with teenagers trying to find comfort in dancing with strangers. Yes, it was organized and supervised by adults who rotated the participants alphabetically so no one would be left out. However, when you slow dance with a stranger it is plain awkward. I saw this happen to my child.
When I found her in the crowd she was tolerating the last dance. It was a slow one where she had to dance close to someone she didn't know. It was interesting to watch as they tried to dance in synchronicity. They drew close for the dance but their heads were completely turned away from each other. How can you look into the eyes of complete stranger? Their uncomfortable stance was obvious body language of complete awkwardness.
Networking can be the same as a coutillion dance. Unless you've developed a fundamental relationship with the other person, it will always feel difficult to ask for what you need or to help another person when you haven't developed the relationship. Thus, we will continue to look at three imperative networking factors: synchronocity, timing and intimacy in future posts. Get ready to dance and look others in the eyes.

So many career professionals hate the "N" word. You know that ten letter word that makes one cringe at just the thought of it: networking.

The sanitary version of its definition is:

The act of working a room full of people to promote yourself or business that makes one feel like a type of car salesperson.

The gross version of its definition is:

The art of making small talk for no apparent reason with people you don't know or really care to know resulting in an awkward feeling of "what the heck am I doing here?" or "This is a complete waste of my time". I feel completely stupid doing it.

The reality version of its definition is:

Being a small yet important part of a larger interconnected system of people from across one's community, industry or professional sphere to be a resource for others and access resources from others when needed based on mutual benefit and agreement.

Having a network and being able to network are two different beasts. So first things first. What is your network? Who is a part of your network? What do you have to offer your network? Answering these three questions will prepare you for the next post. It is about the network dance. This is the movement necessary to enter into a relationship of synchronicity and collaboration with others. Do your homework, answer those questions and visit again soon.

Never before have I seen so much angst in my clients. It is the hardest time in the history of career development to be a private practicioner. People are losing jobs like crazy and express to me their feelings of fear, hurt and rejection. It appears that life is crumbling right before them. Losing a job can be one of the BIGGEST pills to swallow. Personally, I vote you spit it out.

Here is my advice to the many who are using kleenex a lot, feeling their souls have been ripped apart by a pink slip and don't know where to turn or what to do. This blog posting is for you.

1. DON'T PANIC. The worse possible strategy is to give up before you start. Yes it is a tight market. Yes, the outlook seems bleak. Yet, reality invites you to remember that jobs are out there but they will not come to your door. I have seen clients get new offers within a few weeks. Why? Because they had the guts and determination to do what they had to do. Offering yourself back to a market that seemingly just fired you is not an easy path. The longer you wait, the longer it takes.

2. UNDERSTAND YOUR LIMITS. The biggest limit on the current typical job-seeker is a bruised ego. I can't tell you how many people are successful in getting an interview but question their confidence and allow self-doubt to creep in. The absolute greatest devastation faced by most people is the loss of worth and value resulting in a tainted perception of their skills. This is the greatest poison of all.

3. UNDERSTAND YOUR POTENTIAL. If you will get past the anger, hurt and self-doubt I can tell you the statistical probability that you will be re-hired is greater than if you wallow in pity and depression. I think you should give your emotional responses (all normal) a deadline. Then, move on and face a new challenge. Two realities exist: 1. An employer out there needs you but doesn't know you exist or 2. You have a company inside you waiting to be born. Why not now?

4. BUILD A GREAT RESUME. This is the greatest tool for initial contact that results in a critical first impression. If you email me at careerspan@gmail.com between today, December 4 and Christmas, I will send you a template at no cost. The one used most often by my clients works extremely well because employers helped create it.

Finally, recognize what matters most in life isn't what an employer can take away.

As I always preach...employers can have your sweat, but never your blood. That belongs to people in your life that matter most. In the end, that is what counts.